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I swear, he was masturbating.
Sometimes I work pretty late into the evening. On said evenings Boychild will stay at his dad’s and sometimes he’s alone. On those particular evenings I slip into his dad’s house and stay the night too (sometimes sleeping in the same room), simply because I would feel terrible if something happened. Two nights ago was one of those particular nights. About twenty minutes after I went to bed (he was already asleep) I hear friction. The friction doesn’t stop. An eternity passes. The friction still hasn’t stopped. I open my eyes and notice movement below the blanket around the pelvic region.
Me: “Boychild, what are you doing?”
Boychild: (Pause) “I’m just scratching my foot.”
My words stopped the itching and the friction ceased immediately.
Notes to self: 1) Sleep on couch. 2) Apologize to Dad for masturbating with the bedroom door open when I was a teen. 3) Teach Boychild to wash is own bedsheets.
on Skrillex
Me: “So what’s going on? How was your trip with your dad and your (half) sister this past weekend?”
Boychild: “It was good. I feel in love with Skrillex for, like, a day.”
Me: (Tries to make disappointed look not so obvious. Awkward silence follows.)
Boychild: “It was A DAY! Just ONE DAY!”
And I was so proud of his love of hip-hop.
My mom’s Korean friends have always called Boychild “Black” or “Blank”. Today we received a letter from a national youth leadership organization inviting “Blabe” because of his academic credentials, which made me raise my eyebrows.
Clearly, they have the wrong kid.
on Kadee Leaky Bottoms (the dog) tail and butthole.
Scene - My bedroom floor. The Boychild is laying down with Kadee Leaky Bottoms facing her backside.
Boychild: “What is a dog’s tail made of?”
Me: “Bone and cartilage. It’s just a continuation of the spine.”
Boychild: “What purpose does it serve?” (Lifts up tail.)
Me: “I’m not absolutely sure but perhaps communication?”
Boychild: “Um, I think Kadee has hemorrhoids. OH GOD! IT’S MOVING!”
on a Guano Enema’s as seen on Man v Wild
(Flipping through Netflix)
Boychild: “Wait! Put it on ‘Man v Wild’. I just watched an episode you should see where he’s drinking salt water from the ocean.”
Me: “That’s weird. How did he do that?”
Boychild: “He found a dirty bottle and a tube and stuck it… down there.”
Me: “In his dick?”
Boychild: “No. In his butt. He put the water in the bottle, turned it upside down, siphoned the water through the tube and then placed it in his butt. After awhile he stuck his thumb where the tube was and said, ‘And now we just have to wait.’”
(Silence)
Boychild: “Mom, I don’t think you should say ‘dick’ around me. That’s just weird.”
on “She Will” by Lil Wayne
This morning Boychild listened to his iPod while I listened to NPR, however, the audio was so loud that I could hear every single lyric.
Me: “Hey, do you think can turn that down? I don’t really want to hear my son listen to a song like that around me.”
Boychild: “You know this song?”
Me: “No. I can hear it and I don’t want to be around you if you’re listening to a song about pussy.”
(Silence)
Boychild: “Mom, that just made me really uncomfortable.”
on Scissoring, as educated via South Park
Boychild: “Mom, I was watching an episode of South Park and they depicted two lesbians having sex. I mean, I don’t get it. It was like this!”
Boychild: (Demonstrates scissoring with both hands)
(Silence)
Me: (Facepalm) ”Son, that is what is called ‘Scissoring’.”
Boychild: (Enthusiastically runs to kitchen and returns with two pairs of scissors. Another demonstration takes place.)
Boychild: “It was like this! How do you get anything out of that? All they’re doing is bumping their va-jay jay’s!”
Me: (Walks away. Saves tribbing for another conversation.)
